Archive for October, 2009

As is my tradition I shall list them in reverse scariness order.

10 Monster Mash–This classic of holiday airplay is probably known to everyone in ear shot of this blog.  I haven’t much to say about it.  It isn’t really scary though.

9 Wildfire-What the fuck is wrong with these people?  Did the horse run away?  Was it taken up by demons? Did the singers girlfriend run off with it? Or was this guy fucking this animal?  Perhaps this was the love theme from Equus.  I mean, WTF!?

8 Honey–A Creepy little Bobby Goldsboro number about a dead girlfriend.  It is just weird.  He is singing so happily about how he avoided killing her through all the stupid shit she did, so that nature could take it’s course.

7 Billy Don’t Be A Hero–This one fell at the tale end of the “my lover died horribly” genre.  It was lame with a capitol B.  And had the most irritating last line of any song ever.  “I heard she threw the letter away”  OMG! How could she do that?  It should have been, I heard she used the letter in her parrots cage.  Or I heard she wiped her ass with the letter.  OR I heard she couldn’t take it anymore and hanged herself with the flag that came with it.

6 D.O.A.–The name of the band was Bloodrock.  The song came out sometime around 1970.  It received much airplay and was quite popular.  I am not making this up.  This song was literally the last dying thoughts of a man laying in an ambulance beside his dead girlfriend and describing the accident he just was in and the fact that his arm was ripped off in it.  Nuff said.

5 Angie Baby–I would love to say that when this slimy Helen Reddy hit came out it gave me nightmares.  But it didn’t.  In fact I bought it. I am ashamed and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

4 The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia–What were they thinking? How did this ever become a hit?  I probably bought this one too, but I am not proud of it.

3 Goodbye Earl–It’s a Dixie Chick song.  I noticed it mostly because Dennis Franze is in the video.  Once you get past that, the main concept of this song is that this woman’s husband is an asshole and she kills him and no one cares.  Pretty horrible I would say.  What kind of message are we sending to our youth?

2 Dark Lady–One of the first of Cher’s break-away hits.  It involves fortune telling and murder.  It is unclear what part of the lady is dark, but you can bet it must be a very spooky part.

1 I almost dare not type the title, but the number one scariest song ever to actually be played on American radio is (was) Elusive Butterfly by Bob Lynde!  There I said it and I feel better.  This song really did give me nightmares.  It is a shitload of metaphors that are supposed to be comparing love to an elusive butterfly (get it?).  But you tell that to a six year old who hears lines like:

You might wake up some mornin’
To the sound of something moving past your window in the wind
And if you’re quick enough to rise
You’ll catch a fleeting glimpse of someone’s fading shadow

Jesus Christ!  and it gets better…

You might have seen me runnin’
Through the long-abandoned ruins of the dreams you left behind
If you remember something there
That glided past you followed close by heavy breathin’

Mommy!  Mooooommm!!!! Make it stop!  Wish it into the cornfield.  Is it to early for me to start drinking? When I was six I had never heard of stalking, but I knew evil when I heard it on the radio.

And the ultimate scariest line ever (it really did give me nightmares)
Out on the new horizon
You may see the floating motion of a distant pair of wings

Yes, Billy!  It’s the angel of death coming to rip your terrified young  soul out through your asshole while you’re sleeping!  Goodnight.

Well that’s it for today Kids. Come back next time when I might actually be writing about comics.

PS-I did not see the squirrel today.  It may read my blog.

PPS-Which could explain my lack of comments, because squirrels do not leave comments. It’s a religious thing with them.  Yes.  I think it’s silly too, but don’t try to argue with one of the little gray zealots, or before you know it, you will find all your nuts gone and you’ll be covered in squirrel pee.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the comic book shop.

The second issue of Dark Horse’s Creepy will be in stores on Wednesday.  This week.  Tomorrow.

Short notice? Yes.  If you want it you probably already knew that anyway.

I will get it.  I will read it. And I will be Writing about it on this very blog.  But I am not as hopeful about it as I was before I saw the first one.  And the letter I got from Dark Horse made it clear that they would not be following any of my suggestions.  So, barring miracles, it will probably suck.

I hope it is great.  I would certainly love to be pleasantly surprised.  We shall see.

It does take me time to read and then think and then get around to typing and uploading, So I would be amazed if there is anything about this mag on Wednesday.  But soon thereafter.

see y’all then

PS-And what of all the comics I mentioned in the last post that I would be writing about?  Keep your shorts on.  I’ll get to them when I get to them.  If you were all that excited abut it, you would be leaving mounds of comments.  Since you are not I need to assume that either I am posting for air, or that those who read this don’t care enough to comment.  Either way I don’t feel any great mandate to be vigilant.

PPS-I believe that the local fauna may be watching me.

PPPS-No, really.  For the past four days, every morning when I go out the front door, there is a squirrel sitting dead center on a fence across the street looking right at me.  After a few seconds of me staring back at him, he leaves nonchalantly.

Since the great day is so agonizingly close now, I thought I might throw my big hat into the “best movies of all time” ring. The ones I will be picking are personal choices.

I could research and do big important all time choices, but this is not that kind of article. This is about the best movies to watch when you want to really have fun with horror. Such as at a Halloween party or slumber party or, in my case, a Christmas Party.

I will list them in reverse awesomeness order, starting with number ten.

10 Ghost Story–It seems a bit dated now, but then it seemed dated when it was new. It’s just that kind of set up. This has some of the scariest moments of any film I have ever seen. It blew me away in the theatre. It also made me try to read Peter Straub’s books. I have yet to finish one. Though I keep being told they are wonderful.

9 Halloween-- The original John Carpenter film. It is not number one on the list but obviously it is a necessary part of any Halloween movie festivities. Not 2 or 4 or H2O or anything made by Rob Zombie.

8 This position is split. The film here is “Village of the Damned“, the original made in 1960 and starring George Sands. It was film noir style and had lots of dark undertones. It was about a village that fell unconscious one day and a few weeks later they discovered that all the proper aged women had become pregnant that same day. As the film continues there are reasons to expect that these are not normal children and they may not even be human. I loved it for years But then John Carpenter remade it in 1995. It was in color and starred Christopher Reeve (Superman). It was definitely a different feel but worked really well. So no matter which version you get your hands on it is a must see.

7 Frank Langella’s Dracula. I have nothing further to say about it.

6 Hocus Pocus- What do you mean it’s not horror!?! Up yours! This is my damn list. I like it. I said this list was about fun and Halloween. This movie delivers both. Not to mention that Alison looks really good in a sweater.

5 Sometimes a movie is made badly, with a weak script, and stiff (or no) acting and yet somehow is enjoyable. And on even rarer occasions becomes iconic. It transcends all normal ways of judging things and becomes a total classic despite its faults. Which brings me to Phantasm. OMG. It is just re-watchable. I can tell you a thousand reasons why it’s a shitty film, and yet I love it. And not in that “it’s so bad it’s good” way. But in a full-on this film is so cool that it would have to be far worse to even begin to be bad. (I really like Phantasm)

4 Curse of the Demon–Flat out demonic fun. It was made long before everything in it became cliche, therefore it pulls no punches. There are no stupid “explanations” or ambiguities. Based on the short story Casting the Runes by M. R. James and brilliantly directed by Jacques Tourneur, this thing sizzles. I have lost or worn out many copies and always buy a new one. The mood is perfect and there are some scenes that will blow you away, as Harlan Ellison has said.

3 Creepshow--This thing simply rocks. It is flat out the best anthology horror film ever made. It is so good that it makes me like it’s sequel brain-deadly named Creepshow 2. While not a bad movie in it’s own right, 2 gets a big interest bump just by being associated with the original.

2 The Exorcist–Come on! You knew it would be here somewhere. I am still undecided about the special edition. I would recommend the original. Although the extended version actually deepens the story, it also introduces superfluous elements that detract from the gestalt of the original. Go with the original if you can.

1 You may have noticed that all these films are fairly old (as I am as well). So you may be surprised to see that my top choice for best horror film (on this list anyway) is Constantine. It stars Keanu reeves as the cynical chain-smoking fighter of evil from the Hellblazers series of graphic stories. It is a complete joy from 30 seconds in and never farts around or gets boring or stupid at any point.

That’s all for today kiddies.  Check back soon for three wonderful new comic reviews.  ( One of them is a brand new series by Richard Corbin!)